The Fixer

I am the Fixer
I always have a plan
I am in Control
I need no one

Until Now.
Unsure of what is coming
Not knowing where I'm going
I am lost.

I feel used
I feel alone
I am Scared

My chest tightens
Breaths shorten
Heart pounding

What if I fail?
I can't go back
I won't backtrack

I have nowhere to go
No one to love
I can't fix it

What if this is it?

Wanted

This past year has been one of the most amazing and also the most difficult years for me.

I have never thought of myself as a people person. I would rather stay in by myself then spend time interacting with people and having to come up with stuff to talk about. And I have been the same way about relationships, never been good in them nor did I want to. The thought of having someone knowing everything about me, my strengths and weakness's terrifies the fuck out of me.
So instead I choose the path of mindless sex.

But over the last year I have challenged myself to trust people.
And found that I want a relationship. I want to have someone to talk about my shitty day to.
Someone that I can share all the things I love with.
Someone that will challenge me.
Who will fight with me when I'm wrong.
Someone that I can create new memories with.

But do you know how hard that is in this era?
I have put myself out there and met new people, but all anyone wants is a fuck.
But it's not that they don't want a relationship. They just don't want a relationship with Me.
Have you ever felt the feeling of someone telling you that they don't want a relationship just a friends with benefits and then a couple months later you get the text of "Hey, we can't sleep together anymore. Theres this Girl that I've been seeing and I really want to give it a shot"?
I'll tell you it fucking sucks. It's this heavy feeling in your chest of Your not good enough to date. All your good for is a fuck.
I'm so tired of it.

All I want is to be Wanted. I want to be the girl that a guy can't wait to see and hold in his arms.
I want to be there to listen when you've had a shitty day. I want to learn all your hopes and fears and be there to help you achieve and fight them.

I just want someone to Want me.

Just a Fuck

We all pile into your car, choosing to carpool because I can’t afford another DUI.

We make a stop to pick up a friend and then a quick stop for beer before heading to the party.

As we arrive I discover that this is a surprise birthday party for someone I don’t know, which immediately puts me out of my comfort zone, we walk in and I’m introduced to a bunch of people that I won’t be able to remember their names in 10 minutes. I try to chug down the cheap beer as quickly as possible to make myself a little more relaxed.

We wait in the dark all piled into the kitchen for the birthday girl to arrive, a long 15 minutes later she walks around the corner, we throw the lights on and scream Surprise! She's shocked and excited to see everyone, I sit at the back in a corner avoiding the hugs and birthday wishes to this stranger.

I quickly grab a beer and maneuver myself outside to suck down a cigarette to help calm me down since the beer does not seem to be working, while sitting out there I’m approached by a guy I was introduced to earlier though I’m not able to recall his name, he holds a little blue baggie out and ask if I would like some of my namesake, Molly. I pause for a moment, I’ve never done Molly, and it sounds so tempting right now knowing that it would put me in a better place around all these strangers, but as much as I would like to partake I don't want to end up embarrassing myself or my few friends here, so I politely decline, though the thought of it was in my mind all night. 

Everyone starts to gather up to head to a local venue for some music, while We choose to opt out and head to your favorite local bar to meet up with some people. 

We arrive at the bar and all immediately grab a beer and go find your friends.

Its cold and raining outside so we all try to keep our cigarette breaks down to a minimum, awhile later as everyone finishes up their beers we say our goodbyes and head back to your place with your friend, we grab some food along the way, once we all get settled in we put a movie on.

Your hand starts to brush my leg once you realize your friend is asleep on the couch, you pull me towards you pulling my face to yours and you start to kiss me, softly at first kissing my neck, and then with more aggression that sends shivers through my body.

You nudge me towards your room quietly as to not wake anyone, the moment the door is shut your hands start to trail up and down my body feeling every curve and dip along me, tracing up underneath my shirt as you pull it over my head, my hands run down your back pulling your hips tightly to me, I can feel your hard cock against me, you quickly begin to unbutton my pants as you strip me down to just my underwear you step back and take a moment to breath in my body, pushing me onto the bed you pull my underwear off, you slowly work your way up my leg biting my inner thigh as my body already starts to tingle, your tongue makes it way to my clit flicking back and forth as it takes over my body, the sensation when your tongue enters me flicking in and out causes me to squirm with delight until I’m dripping with cum, I hurriedly pull you up and remove your pants to reveal your hard cock, I slowly tease it for a minute wrapping my lips around it and taking it fully into my mouth as you gasp, you quickly pull me up and turn me around onto the bed as you slowly enter my wet pussy, you grab my hair and pull me up towards you while pounding me from behind as I reach for something to grasp and find nothing but bed sheets, my body is starting to tremble I don't know how much longer i can take it, I smother my face into the covers as to muffle any noise i moan and lose control of my body cuming for the second time that night, flipping you onto the bed my legs wrapped around you, my body still trembling you thrust slowly, your hand runs across my breast pulling it into your mouth I gasp and dig my nails into your back, continuing until you reach the edge pulling me off you and pushing my head down to finish the job, tasting myself on you, my tongue dances around the tip as I take you fully into my mouth and you push my head down and thrust a little deeper until you finish.  

We lay next to each other with heavy breaths of exhaustion, you pull me towards you leaning in to kiss the lips that only moments before were wrapped around your cock, tasting yourself. I'm still trembling, laying there in silence I can only think about how I wish this was not just a fuck to you, hoping that maybe it will change into more, but I stay silent not wanting to ruin anything, because you are the closest thing I have to a friend right now, so I turn over as you wrap your arms around me and let sleep comes over us.